I Got Postpartum Depression with my Second Born

I never expected PPD/PPA to hit me as hard as it did with my second born. 

Mild to moderate depression and anxiety have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I found ways to support myself and manage it pretty well when it would hit.After having Bruce, my oldest son, I honestly felt ethereal. Instant bond. Dream life. I struggled a lot when I returned to the classroom after my mat leave with Bruce, but it was more of a quiet grief that I felt.

I figured that when Everett was born, I’d be mostly fine because I now have my own business & work from home, so I wouldn’t have to worry about leaving my baby before I was ready. I was a little concerned about keeping up with 2 kids & all that would come with the change, but mostly, I felt solid.

Then Rhett was born & it was a downward spiral from there.

I felt empty at first. Then numb. Then terrified. Then overwhelmed. Then angry. Then guilty. Then sad. Then more exhausted than I’d ever felt in my life.

Rhett had several reflux & a milk protein allergy so he was in constant pain. 4 months in we figured out a good combo to help him but then I began the process of getting a diagnosis for hypothyroidism. Pair that with the ppd/ppa, and returning to my business which is service based and depends 100% on me and how I function— it was HARD.

I fought so hard thinking if I could just get back to who I was before I had Everett, everything would be fine.

If I could just operate how I used to. If I could just start feeling better… I refused to surrender to my reality because honestly, everything in my life had been going SO WELL before giving birth. I had been in flow. Things came easily. It felt like I was literally going backwards in my life… regressing. I didn’t want to face the hard work of becoming the woman I was to be next— I liked who I was before, things worked out for her, I just wanted to go back.  The harder I fought, the unhappier and more insecure I became. As a mom, as a wife, as an entrepreneur. 

And I repressed every last icky feeling I had, thinking it would somehow mean defeat if I’d let them out. 

Eventually my feelings became so strong I could physically feel them in my body— boiling, bubbling up.

Out of nowhere, I’d scream like a tea kettle bubbling over, letting the noise I felt in my body pour out of me. Only I wouldn’t feel better after. I’d feel panicked, breathing hard, heart racing, my ears ringing.

No one really knew how much I was suffering because I was still functional.

I got up and got dressed every day. I ate & drank. I smiled and laughed. I took care of my kids. I kept most of the plans I made. I continued seeing clients, running my membership community, & my mastermind. But it all felt so hard. Not effortless like it once had. 

My husband kept our family humming along this entire time. While I looked after the kids a lot, he did that and everything else— cooking, dishes, working full time. 

Eventually, I got a therapist— I knew I couldn’t go on in the state I was in. I knew I needed support. 

I talk with her every week which has been helpful in so many ways. Having an objective listener. Having someone ask questions that I’m maybe not willing to ask myself. She let me know that all of the noise I was feeling in my body could be addressed and released through somatic therapy, so I’m now on a journey to use tapping & reiki. She also referred me to a psychiatrist to assess me for ADD (which I’ve *known* I’ve had my whole life), and to talk about medication for my depression and anxiety. 

I was hesitant to start an Rx because I felt a great opening in my soul— I had a desire to actually feel my hard feelings & begin to heal. I worried medication could slow this process down. I was starting to get natural support around my hormones and thought maybe I should just try that first. 

And yet, I knew I needed a life raft— something to help me get back to a healthy baseline. In many ways, I’d felt I’d missed out on Everett’s first 8 months of life and I knew I didn’t want to miss any more.

I started an antidepressant and within days I was feeling calmer, brighter, and finally bonding more with my second born.

Being depressed or anxious is not something to be ashamed of.

It’s not something you can outrun. Support is so hard to seek out and ask for when we’re in the thick of a mess, but it is absolutely essential for our livelihood. If you’re in the thick of it, start where you can— one small action you can take or ask someone else to take for you so that you can begin the process of rebuilding yourself. The journey to the next amazing, powerful, wise woman you were put on earth to be. 

Plug into a community that welcomes you just as you are.

Find a therapist.

Talk to a friend.

Sit with yourself and listen to what you need. 

It’s okay to feel broken for a while. It’s okay to be sad or angry. But you are worthy of more. 

You are so worthy.